I’m A Junkie
Hello, Maniacs! Today I’m going to talk about something near and dear to my heart, my stomach, my thighs and wherever else crevices may lie. I am an addict. Yup! There’s not a rehabilitation clinic that can help me either. I’ve tried quitting cold turkey, but then these things glare back at me, teasing me as if they know my salivary glands are gravely moist. (I love using that word. Moist. Does it make you feel some kind of way?)
Some people workout to look good naked–to shape their bodies in an adonis-inspired sculpture that only the most meticulous of artists can create. I hate to disappoint the masses, but that has never been and may never be my number one priority when it comes to working out. I know I’m full of a “Hunka Hunka Burning Love”, and the secret to my appeal is in more places than the deviously deceptive superficial surface that only the easily tempted of humans go for nowadays. All of this to say that I workout to masticate.
No, no, your brain is playing a trick on you, I said MASTICATE. May your mind leave the gutter and follow my hand into these boxes of Oatmeal Cream Pies!
Within the last year or so, I managed to lose 50 pounds by tracking what I eat, as well as kickstarting my exercise regime back up. While tracking my food, I am able to decipher what food and how much of it is appropriate for my daily diet and the nutritional as well as caloric needs that my body has. I guess the reward of being supremely diligent in that regard has paid appreciable dividends considering the substantial weight loss. Admittedly, I have quite the sweet tooth and cannot resist some of life’s most succulent, mouth-watering delicacies. Cake, ice cream, custard, cookies, donuts, candies that go on sale after Valentine’s Day–because I’m single and show myself love the day after that Holiday every year–and the list goes on.
The price to be paid for having such a yearning for these things has made tracking my food stressful on occasion. They were either astronomical in calories, carbs, sugars, fats, or they just were sometimes too much for my gut to handle. However, my life changed when I encountered Oatmeal Cream Pies! I really thought I had found a gold mine, as each pie was 170 calories and could fit into my food tracker with little difficulty at all! Well, you know the saying made famous my Lay’s Potato Chips: “You can’t just have one.”
Digress with me for a second. You know in the fairytales where two people meet and they are instantly inseparable and never apart, yet there is always something lurking near them trying to sabotage the whole relationship? Well, these snacks and I have consummated our relationship–MANY of times! One time wasn’t enough so I just kept chucking and tracking along! Here’s my hinderance who’s lurking nearby trying to rob me of my newfound joy and happiness–and no it’s not the realization that you have eaten through an entire box. It’s the fact that you have now blown through your lunch and dinner calories for the day AND your body pays a major price. For what you deposit down your gullet is added into the “my lovely lady lumps” account that seemingly accrues a gargantuan amount of interest with each bite.
So, to my people’s out there that are fighting an addiction of either sort–severity not being a factor within my story per se–here are my tips of how to avoid being compromised by something that looks promising, but is altogether a demonic lover waiting to consume all your common sense and dietary morals.
- RUN LIKE HELL– This doesn’t just apply to running on a treadmill, but you must mentally walk away from that one thing calling your name, begging for you to pick it up and devour it whole.
- BEWARE OF LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION– Avoiding areas where what you’re addicted to can be a struggle. For me, I’ll go into the grocery store to buy some 70-calorie-per-2-slices wheat bread and as I am basking in my glory of doing right, catching the attention of my peripherals are those damn Oatmeal Cream Pies. Now, why would a grocer do such a cruel thing to people? Location is everything, so know your surroundings and be prepared to do step 1!
- JUST SAY NO– NO, I don’t have to elaborate on this step! 😉
Those are all my tips for now. It’s a cold world out there y’all. I’m just trying to take care ya and spread the good news that we are all more alike than different, whether speaking on addictions, bad habits or our health. This was fun to write about, but in all seriousness, take care of yourselves no matter the lengths you must go–as long as you aren’t hurting yourselves or others.
That’s all for now, Maniacs. I’ll chat with y’all again soon. I hope you enjoyed and could relate to my mindless banter. 🙂
Posted in: Maniacal Humor, Uncategorized
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