Recovering: Does It Ever Finish?

Hey, Maniacs!

Hope you guys are having a good week so far. If you are feeling like you cannot finish this week, give yourself 5 minutes to breathe and remind yourself that YOU CAN DO THIS and that you are equipped with what you need to beat whatever trial is standing on your doorstep.

This week has been kind of strange for me. Lots of existential thinking and asking myself questions that I feel like would be better left unanswered, as they arose out of a time of adulterated darkness accompanied by a skewed perception of what life was.

My automobile accident happened on October 19th, 2016. The recovery process was more than physically, mentally and emotionally draining; I would argue to say that it was slowly killing me from the inside out. Some people would say that that is me being dramatic but those people weren’t there during the behind-the-scenes of my day to day turmoil–and that way shall they remain.

So much changed during that time. My purpose felt distant, my heart fueled by anguish, fear, bitterness, and a seething anger that needed an outlet that was nowhere in sight. I’d sit there with my crutches leaning on my chair, staring at my computer wondering my place in the world and if I still had any value to add to it. After all, I couldn’t dance, friends who used to speak to me disappeared for days and months at a time and all I wanted was to see them, to hear from them, to be with them as I was when I was mobile and teaching.

These moments of unsettlingly quiet isolation brought unneeded amplification to the internalized paranoia of me questioning if I mattered to them now that I wasn’t this dancer anymore, or perhaps I had nothing more than that to offer them. On the flipside, I would then assume that they didn’t know how to approach me. But that didn’t matter; True friends step into the mud and get down and dirty with you through your struggles and they clean up and celebrate alongside you in your victories.

A lot happened then that I wish I could unsee, un-feel and not have experienced–so in hindsight, it should be a place that I would not and should not entertain to travel back to. Though, I continue to feel helpless in my humanity, as I still have mortal wounds and scars from the recovery that are affecting me in the present. Whenever the weather changes, my foot aches and with each irritating arthritic pulse, I am brought back to the past–back to being a curious cat that peeks and purrs into Pandora’s box yearning to find answers that I should no longer inquire about.

So, what is my homework? To be present.

To be grateful for what is and appreciative of those people who aided me with tissues to wipe my tears, ears to hear my outpouring of heartache and my screams of despair. For without them and the grace of God, I don’t know how I would have made it through that wilderness.

I must now do my best to lick the wounds left behind and open my heart back up so it can receive the love and all the great things that life has to offer it. Time to be present, time to work on it NOW. Not tomorrow, but NOW. There is no other time as urgent as the present. Each second, inhale and exhale is vital and should not be wasted if one can help it.

We deserve better and until we treat ourselves with love, forgive ourselves and those that hurt us knowingly or unknowingly, we will cling on to the dreaded weight of past hurts and traumas keeping us from our healing and stepping into the greatness that we are destined to claim.

Love you guys! Be kind to yourselves, others and always make sure to check on your friends–strong or otherwise.

–CAM ❤