Frozen: My Lone Isolation

Hey, Maniacs!

What a time to be alive, yes? It’s been a good two months since I’ve been on and a pandemic is running wild throughout the world. I pray wherever you are that you are safe and sound, recovered, recovering and healthily working your way through this as we all grieve was what to make sense of what is.

It’s a trying time for all of us as our lives have been affected gravely. Finances and economies are slipping fast, people we know with this virus are dying or fighting to recover, humans are trying to acclimate being in their homes for prolonged periods of time whether by themselves or their kids–It’s a lot! But I think we will make it through this as long as we keep the coolest heads that we can–I know, define a cool head exactly. We must take these kinds of things day by day and continue to take the proper precautions as well as look out for each other–through calling, texting, FaceTiming, social media, this blog even. Just being damn decent human beings. That’s the civil approach and I hope we can stick to that.

I am no stranger to isolation. In 2016/2017 I did it for a good 380 days. If I wasn’t at home recovering from my car accident, I was at physical therapy trying to retrain my foot how to walk normal again and not drag ball-and-chain style. Imagine…380 days…being reminded you cannot do what you love anymore, trying to balance your emotional health and physical health even when you can’t exercise to do so, dealing with insurance adjusters who want to screw you to save their at-fault client, being told constantly it’s time to switch careers and leave dancing behind. Below is a journal entry I wrote while in isolation. I kept a diary that is over 195 pages long. I learned with that thing that there are things worse than death but looking back through it, if I didn’t have it I wouldn’t be here to LIVE!

Diary Entry 6/18/2017

“Inhaling is a struggle as I lay in a plot casketed inside a dark place where dirt would be a comfort more than a nuisance. I wanted to feel something yet didn’t even know what feeling was anymore. So I continued lying there, staring at life going on above me–people shopping, laughing, going to the gym, complaining about the superficial. I wish I could complain about that stuff. How the dry cleaners messed up my clothes, how the chef forgot to put my sauce on the side, how the exercise teacher didn’t do my song and my life is now, like, completely over. The small stuff.

But there I was this new shell of me, back against the wall, where the condolences and well wishes fell off me and became nutrition to be consumed by the demons fighting to bring me under. I was there…some part of me anyway amongst my thoughts wrapping their hands around my neck trying to suffocate me. The scary part is that every time I became aware of my reality–temporary or not–I felt pain again. Not just from my injury but from the loneliness and the isolation; from people, my job, my money, but most importantly, myself.

As the days lingered onward, the thoughts became a voice that was loud, clear, with one aim in mind. Where’s the trigger to pull, the noose to tie, the barrel that’ll go BOOM and end this madness! I don’t want to be here anymore, I can’t breathe and being awake feels like a chore.  I can barely muster the energy to scream for help and even when I want to I feel as if I’d be a bother because people lean on me, I couldn’t show weakness. I could take care of this myself. I know what I need and what it is that I need to do to cease this voice.

But what about this bright future that everyone said I was going to have? What about those dreams that I made that are up in smoke. Will I know if there’s a light, will I have any value to anyone at all with my physical abilities gone?

Breathe. Take this day by day and see what happens. It hurts like hell though…and I don’t know how much more I can take” THE END.

Wrap Up

These are thoughts. Very powerful ones that were fueled up empower by the events beyond my control going on with me and without me. This blog post is a tiny, tiny piece of my journey with isolation at a time where I thought it was over and things wouldn’t change.

Don’t let the isolation you’re experiencing right now dictate what influence you can have in the future. There are people who need you, your struggles, your pain, your internal conflict. That’s power! Power to change the world and power to change yourself as you traverse through the tough times life comes with. Just remember: Things do get better, dreams do come true and people can and WILL love you not because of what abilities or skills you have to offer, but because of who you are just by being YOU! Live your best life now, be kind to others and to yourself.

Stay Safe! Chat with y’all soon! ❤

–CAM