It was 10 p.m…
Still was the night, quiet was the house. No words said, no tears flowing from my ducts. Just me, after a long period of being beaten up emotionally, slumped over at a table, stomach full in hopes that the feeling of temporary bloat would bring some modicum of healing to my soul. But even when my stomach was full, my heart still felt empty, battered and bruised. My soul screamed for help but I did the best I could to suffocate it with God’s second-best instrument for comfort: FOOD. 10:45 p.m. came and still the noises of my inner peril wouldn’t shut up.
“Dammit!” I said to myself as I exhaled with extreme physical discomfort and severe disappointment that I wasn’t healed.
The pain and feeling of hopelessness still lingered in a place where calories, macros, water intake and healthy self-care didn’t matter. But, AHA! Have no fear; the hero of my story, the fearless healer of my traumas, the knight in shining armor returned to save me as I felt a tad happier when the beautiful sound of humming escaped my refrigerator calling my name, beckoning my presence, asking me to come inside and enjoy whatever spoils I yearned for. It was my hoe and I was its unfortunate soul trying to bring gratification to a need not being met.
By midnight I had realized that I had consumed more food than I have in a long time. That feeling of bloatedness made me feel icky. I’d look at my latest pictures of my amazing weight loss and feel guilty that me–the one who is supposed to be this inspiration to many had a binge episode. So what would I do about it?
“That’s it! Tomorrow I am getting back on track and going back onto my low-carb diet!”
I’d tell my best friend this in hopes that maybe I could believe it to be totally true. That this wasn’t an episode of Binge Eating Disorder that I had experienced pre-weight loss. It was just a moment of hunger and I wanted to eat whatever, yeah? That had to be it! To break a plateau in my weight loss journey? Yeah, that’s it!
So I’d count the calories, count the macros, go to the gyms. But throughout the days I still sometimes “snacked” on things. What could a snack hurt, right? It was just a little something to hold me over to the next meal. That snack would be the end-all, be-all for me. Once that snack was masticated, it had my mind and soul craving it’s delicious, delightful creamy center. I needed more!
The days came and went and when nights would fall I would get myself through to dinner and somehow, someway always become isolated with emotion. So emotion and I eventually dated every single night at 10 p.m. We’d converse about the pain, the unfair cards life dealt us that week and the treacherous triggers taunting us at every turn, all while mindlessly ingesting whatever food was available.
Oh, I also told myself that when the food ran out is when I would begin anew.
“Tonight, I’m going to live it up, finish it all out and wash my hands away with this drug! Emotion and I are going to party like we’ll never see each other again! Whoop whoop!”
Well, the food ran out like a bartender no longer serving libations to the visibly intoxicated. So what did I do? Did I put aside this broken version of me letting it lay down and die to regain victory over something that mentally I thought was helping? Yes, but only because I fell comatose due to the food swelling inside. But you can always buy more with your dealers nearby always open 24/7!
I have managed to lose almost 130 pounds within the last two years. Everyone has seen it, heard about it, gawked about it but what they do not know is that even in the midst of temporary discipline and control that you can indeed slip back into old habits in no time flat! I suffer in silence when it comes to my addiction and dependence on food. Let me just say that I LOVE food! I think it is wonderful not only for health reasons but also because like, pizza is fucking amazing! However, anything with excess can become overwhelming.
Growing up, my coping mechanism for dealing with hardships, heartache, betrayal, people’s neglect of me was to neglect who I was under the guise of comforting myself with food. My relationship with it was not healthy at all. I often got a euphoric high off my own supply of candies, pastries, fast foods, junk foods–you name it, I ate it! Well, except for those no-sugar things, because ew!
I write all this to say that I suffer from BED and have for a long time. Somehow, I was able to beat it for two years and grip the reigns. I am so proud of myself for that and anyone else who may be struggling with addiction making progress in some form or another. This is one that is often overlooked by many due to the fact that food is a huge part of our society and abuse of it can generally be looked at as “That kid’s a fat ass and he just eats everything,” instead of that kid has some deep-rooted issues and is using anything edible to control it.
Let someone pull out a crack pipe or stick themselves with heroin and see how sympathetic people get. Not always the case with food. This post is not to seek or ask for sympathy but to bring awareness to something that people suffer from and they may not know it or take it lightly.
Binge Eating Disorder is REAL and you do not have to be obese to experience it. That is a misconception that I want to disspell right now! I don’t generally speak on it as I am afraid that people will automatically assume all obese people have it. Not the case.
This blog was created for me to tell the tales of my truth and hopefully express the experiences that others may endure as well. I don’t know how many will relate to this but know that we are all using a mechanism to cope with the gravity of the things that life puts us through. Mine just happens to be food. This self-care thing is not sunshine and roses; It’s a lot of hard work, hell, and honest awareness. And maybe some regressions in order to create magical progressions. It’s a journey, a marathon, not a sprint. I’ll try and always lead with that.
Onward and upward, Maniacs. Speak with you next time.